"I Don't Want to Be Here"

I provide counseling sessions for teens who have been mandated by the court and juvenile probation to attend. Sometimes it's for anger management. Sometimes it's for substance abuse.

A common thing these teens tell me is, "I don't want to be here," or "I'm only doing this because I have to."

I get it. I would also feel a certain type of way if my counseling session was in the same building as my probation meetings. The environment alone is threatening.

So how do I create the rapport? How do I build a relationship with these kids?

The answer is pretty simple. I act as myself.

I make sure the kid does not feel pressured to talk if they don't want to. And I get to know the great things about them first. What music do they like? What movies are they into? What shows are they binging? Who's their best friend? What's their favorite thing to do in their free time?

Simple questions. They help the teen feel less clinical and more like we are building a relationship. Because you cannot jump straight to clinical without the trust.

To make the environment friendlier and less threatening, I bring in plants at the window, squishies in a basket, and a sand tray they can play with while they talk.

Everything is intentional. All of it is there to help the child feel safe.

Because in order for a teen to feel safe enough to talk about underlying reasons and life experiences, they have to trust you first. And you gain that trust by being yourself, and by showing the teen that even though you may not fully "get it," you are willing to try to understand it.

The Decision Didn't Come Out of Nowhere

From my experience working with many, many youth over the years, here is what I have come to understand.

Our actions and behaviors come from our thinking patterns. And our thinking patterns come from our life experiences.

Many of these kids are making decisions that land them in juvenile detention or in risky environments. Those decisions did not come out of nowhere. They did not come out of pure rebellion. They came from something. Past experiences. Things they are currently living through. There is always a reason, and that reason is the root cause of their decision-making.

Unfortunately, a surface-level talk with a parent, an admonishment from the school, or a chew-out from an officer is rarely the mind-altering moment a kid needs in order to change.

The key is helping the youth find it for themselves. What is the root cause of my thinking pattern? What is my thinking pattern? And how is it shaping the decisions I'm making right now?

Speak Their Language

When I'm guiding a youth toward that discovery, I have to speak in their language and in their learning style.

If I know I'm going to provide psychoeducation, which means the child is going to have to learn something, I make sure I understand how they learn first. So I ask a simple question: Do you learn best by seeing, by hearing, or by doing something hands-on?

Whatever their answer is, that's how the information gets delivered.

The same goes for modality. We can use specific therapy approaches, but we may have to adjust the deliverance for each participant based on their thinking style and their life experiences.

This is how a professional adapts to the unique needs of the specific child in front of them.

I learned very early on that one template does not fit all.

Expand Your Perspective

And last, but not least, it comes down to us. The adults.

Sometimes we observe a situation from our adult perspective and forget there is a wider view available through the lens of a teen. The way you see that teen's situation may not be how the teen sees it. Not because they aren't comprehending it. Not because they don't understand. But because they are functioning from a different developmental stage in the brain. They are comprehending it from their perspective.

And in order to understand what their perspective is, you have to get to know them. You have to build the rapport. You have to learn how they are seeing that information.

It is only then that you can take what you want the teen to learn, whether that's healthy coping mechanisms or healthy decision-making, and offer it in the way they view the world. If you can present the information to their perspective, they are far more likely to receive it. And possibly apply it.

These are some of the major tools I use. Not only as a counselor, but as an advocate for children, and as a parent myself.

Adults have an incredible opportunity to change the next generation. But only if we are willing to take the time to expand our perspective and build the relationship first.

Nicole Hernandez, LPC is the founder of The Therapy Ranch in Rowlett, Texas.

If you are a parent, or a professional who knows a youth who may benefit from specialized counseling services such as nature-based therapy, equine psychotherapy, or traditional counseling, you can submit an inquiry at thetherapyranch.com.